about an hour ago i had my Hope Show audition :) even if i don't get in i thoroughly enjoyed singing "Far Longer Than Forever" in front of an audience, even if the audience was just four people.  it was the first time i've done anything musical in a while, and i was so nervous but afterwards i felt so much better, and happy that i finally got to perform :)

here's the song i sang for my audition, only the female part.  i cracked when Odette sings "Derek" but other than that i think i did the same phrasing as liz callaway and had a nice tone :)

i'm going to try to get involved....i'm auditioning for the China Care Fund Hope Show, and i really, really hope i get in, but i'm a little worried because i haven't done anything musical in a really long time (like....since last june when i quit my flute lessons.  ever since then).  especially coming to BU (where they won't let me major in music comp...?), i haven't done anything musical, besides singing quietly in my room on those rare occasions both of my two roommates are gone. 

and my goal for this week?
go to all my classes, every day, no skippies.  EFFORT. 

the stress of everything is making my hair fall out.  i just need to STOP complaining, ignore the unhappiness, and focus on the good things.  what happened to my optimism? all of it couldn't have disappeared....this is just work, it's not personal, it's business.  college, at least for me, isn't going to be about having the time of my life.  it's going to be about being successful.  i made huge mistakes in high school about grades, but now i know. 

EFFORT. 

the year after i left polytechnic (oh how i miss it so now that i'm in the shit pit of hell, poly is gold compared to this....), some kiddos started a "To Write Love on Her Arms" club, i suppose, and it became a big deal and they celebrated "To Write Love on Her Arms" day.  for those who don't know what TWLOHA is, it's a movement that, according to their website, originated on myspace.  its purpose is to help those who suffer from things like suicidal thoughts, depression, who self-mutilate.  it's a golden cause, i personally don't support it because i think the instinct to help someone who suffers from anything like this should be automatic and universal--that is, you don't have to support a cause in order to do it, so i suppose it has my "ghost" support, in that i don't actually give my allegiance to it, but i recommend that others do.  it's a touchy subject, really, but one thing's for certain.  there's no reason (ehe except mine) to not support it.

however, of course this has to happen.  some students in high school, that i hear from sources "didn't necessarily go to poly," created this group for fun, called "To Write Glove on Her Blubber." Here is what is written on the Facebook Event page:

"To Write Glove on Her Blubber is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for seals who are illiterate or overweight TWGOHB exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
To Write Glove On Her Blubber Day is a day where anyone can write the words glove on their arms, to support those seals who are fighting against bluberity and stupidity and those who are trying to recovering."

they went on to encourage to post pictures of "glove written on your arms." mistake on their part, i suppose because their tagline wasn't "to write glove on her arms," it was a "to write glove on her BLUBBER."  so i'm assuming they made a psychological slip about how they're making fun of TWLOHA, but that's what they really meant.  to write glove on her blubber, that is. 

now, i'm all for a parody or satire of something, making fun of things like, say, Twilight.  or Edward Cullen.  Miley Cyrus.  The Jonas Brothers.  the Droid commercials, Wanda Sykes, Kim Jeong-Il--whoever, whatever deserves it.  i'm ready to laugh just like the next person.  i'm all for the laughter and the fun.  so i'll admit, quite disingenuously without really buying it, that To Write Glove On Her Blubber is ..... "funny." i guess.  but when we start poking derisive fun at a valid cause that has done nothing except try to help people who really do need help, we cross the line.  an action this offensive would never have flown if my class was still at poly (i'm about to go all "back in my day" on their asses and i'm just three months out of the place...WOW).  how do i know this? because i informed three of my classmates about To Write Glove on Her Blubber.  these were the responses:
1. "what dumbsh*ts decided to do that?? i just looked at the event.  and wow....sorry to say but i'm glad i'm out of poly." 
2. "to write glove on her blubber made me vomit a little in my mouth....don't worry, i will naturally select against them."
3. "if i'd still been on campus i woulda run train.  like....that's straight up offensive."

there's something to be taken away from this....a very solid lesson upperclassmen need to learn.  WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF THE LOWERCLASSMEN, THEY RISE UP AND DO STUPID THINGS.  i'm very tempted to go back to poly, little old obsolete powerless me, and slam down these fools like the hand of God. 

at the same time, i realize that different people have different ideas of where the line is.  how do we know when we're crossing the line and it's wrong to do what we just want to do.  even the people who created the event were surprised about how it had taken off.  but then i keep in mind that the three people i spoke to had very differing levels of how laid-back they were about life, and they all had pretty much the same answer.  To Write Glove on Her Blubber openly mocks To Write Love On Her Arms.  that's like....Eve from the Garden of Eden trying to make fun of the archangel Michael.  she's just so stupid compared to him. 

To Write Glove On Her Blubber,
here's a hint for survival:
if you want to keep existing, i suggest you take a more productive course and make money that you ultimately give to TWLOHA, because you know that without TWLOHA you wouldn't even exist.  your existence is indebted to them...it just makes sense.

at least i can take comfort in the pictures that have been popping up continuously on facebook ever since TWLOHA day....people genuinely supported it, even if they were involved in some way with To Write Glove on Her Blubber Day as well.  i'm ultimately glad that To Write Glove On Her Blubber didn't completely mess up To Write Love on Her Arms, but at the same time, i'm severely disappointed that it exists at all.  i'm not trying to make a huge stink about To Write Glove On Her Blubber, Polytechnic School, but i (we?) expect so much better of you, regardless of whether or not this "movement to help illiterate and overweight seals" originated at your campus (our campus? i'd like to think of it as "our" campus).  just in the future, please have better judgment--don't let this happen again. 

the other day i was out to dinner with my friends, a few friends from LA, a rare occurence I know, and one of my friends said that we were "sitting at a table of no shame." what he meant was that we were at a table where we didn't have to care about how much we eat im front of each other. i'm jacking his phrase 'cause i like it.

a few months ago i did a post on the message sent by the fact that popular Chinese female actresses are married to old, rich business men.  this got me to thinking about myself, and what i see happening in my future, and how my Chinese-ness plays into that.  sometimes i feel very Chinese--at other times i'm ashamed that i'm not Chinese enough.  there are little intricacies about the life of a Chinese girl, who was born in the United States, teenager, going to college.  Intricacies like .... will my parents try to set me up with a business mogul's son? when i'm pregnant will they do that weird thing where they slather herbs on your pregnant belly to make sure the baby comes out successful and awesome? what's it like being a chinese-american girl who can't speak either cantonese, shanghainese, or mandarin completely fluently? stuff like that. 

a big part of chinese culture is family style eating.  i know, i know, other families do it, too, but it's always struck me as an Asian thing (kind of like giving a lei to your kid at their graduation.  my parents did it, i don't really know why...they just kind of did, and none of the white people did it...).  so i set up the Table of No Shame, a place where i could be as racist and as Chinese as i want, even maybe going overboard when i really want to.  why can't i be proud of who i am? why do i have to sink into the homogenous soup of Americanized Chinese girls? as much as i don't like offending people, sometimes i don't want to stand by and let your weirdness pass. 

check it out,
all i've got is an introduction with a disclaimer about how racist i am, but i promise i'll probably offend you at which point i will pull the culture card. disclaimer: please don't take any future opinions i post on The Table of No Shame personally....i'm just trying to find a place where i don't have to be any sort of politically correct.  i hope you know how it is....